Month: October 2023

Hey, thank you for reading today. This post will summarize the aftermath, the lessons that I’m drawing from my 2nd cardiac event that occurred on Wed Sep 20th, 2023.

On Recovery

• This time around the healing has been centered around healing from the trauma of the events, where my heart was shocked back into life repeatedly on Sep 20th, 2023. 
• It feels as if the CNS (central nervous system) is still very raw. As an example on Friday we were out at a noisy restaurant – first time since the 2nd incident. Suddenly I felt like a lightning bolt of fear ran from my neck down my spine. It was the reptilian/ CNS part (fight or flight) trying to protect me from further trauma/ injury. 
• In the week after the event there were nights that I could not fall asleep at all. It felt as if my body was on high alert, for any signs of ‘wrongness, illness’, a constant scanning of threats. It is now early October, and it feels like the highest stress days/ weeks are behind me, but the events still linger in the background.

On lessons

• The overriding importance of focusing on the present, versus spending so much head-space on thinking about the future, scenarios, wishing etc. Yes there is a time to plan, a time to dream – but most of the time that will just be a waste, something that draws you away from the only thing that really ever exists: the present.
• The importance of the core relationships for me: My wife, my son, my daughter. My family, close friends, my extended family. I want to build on relationships, make existing ones stronger, and nurture new relationships where they feel right.
• All the BS falling away about making more money, and becoming a big success in society. Yes we need the money to support our family, but it should not be at the cost of spending time with family, at the cost of your health.

On things that have helped me

• Writing these blog posts have helped me tell the story – mostly to myself – about how the events happened, to give them perspective, and through that give me distance from the events.
• Thinking about myself as a survivor, rather than a victim of these events. In the beginning I would think ‘why did this happen to me, I’ve lived healthy’ however with time I’ve been able to become more accepting of where I am in the journey of recovery, of life.
• Twice daily meditation – 10-15 minutes, morning and evening with the Calm app. Especially the meditations on Loving Kindness and anxiety relief, as well as having a ‘rain sound’ on when trying to fall asleep. I feel concretely the level of anxiety in my body is lower after a meditation session.

We are all works in progress, learning new things as long as we’re alive, and I wish you dear reader a peaceful, calm day wherever you are on your journey.

As I was dis-charged from the hospital, we’d arranged for the kids to fly home by themselves, and we’d stay in Finland with Jolene until I’d have permission to fly. I started to direct my energy towards recovering, both physically and mentally.

I was very happy that we got to see Ville & family, Mom, uncle Lasse & his family. We met most of my Finland friends (Peter + Erika, Björn + Kati, Basse + Virpi and Lasse) for a great, close-knit dinner at restaurant Kuu – before flying off back to Tampa on August 12th, 2023.

Something that I’d not considered before – was the many different types of recovery that needed to happen:

• Recovering from the electro-physiological (EP) exam included not stretching the groin area in order not to open up the wound in the femoral artery. The EP exam itself was very stressful in that the doctors essentially stress-test your heart to try to replicate the V-fib (ventricular fibrillation) conditions, so my heart rate was between 30BPM to 330BPM, and you feel like you are reliving the traumatic event.
• Recovering from the surgery to install the ICD – Intra Cardiac Defibrillator, which sits above the left pectoral muscle. The surgery itself was carried out while I was awake, and I was discharged from the hospital the next day. I was instructed not to raise my left arm above 90 degrees and not put strain on it for some weeks.
• Recovering from the mental, psychological stresses of having been so close to dying. In hind-sight these have been some of the most difficult aspects.
• Dealing with the uncertainty of not knowing what caused the Ventricular fibrillation to occur.
• The uncertainty of not knowing how much the entire hospital stay, and all procedures were going to cost.

However as we got back to Tampa, as the weeks progressed, I started feeling better and was able to start slowly exercising again – initially just stretching, but working my way up with lighter weights and less strenuous cardio like walking, and eventually Zone 2 cardio. Unfortunately I was also sometimes feeling pain in the throat (thyroid) and chest pain, however I assumed it was part of the medication (beta-blocker) side effects..

I started talking to a therapist about all the events, the stressful things that were bothering me. The therapist recommended that I write letters to Sam, to Kate, to Jolene about these events, how much they meant to me, and how much I still wanted to do together with them. Especially the letter to Sam felt very meaningful as I genuinely think that he saved my life with his actions. Overall it feels like we’ve become closer as a family, and Jolene as ever is my partner, my rock, my love. I am also so thankful to Ville who really stepped up during this difficult time. I also wrote a letter to my Dad, hoping to get closer to him. I’ve invited Dad over to Florida to see his older son, his grand-children – and I hope he follows-through. 

I returned to work on August 14th, 2023, which in hind-sight probably was too early. Even though my work is fun, intellectually challenging most days – I’ve in particular enjoyed the building aspects – there are stressful days/ events as well.

I’d become a hugger, I no longer wondered if it’s OK to hug, I was hugging friends and family more than ever before. I’d become more emotional, and was crying in random movies or listening to music. I’ve become much more cognizant of the briefness of this human life, and what a fool I was to think I could know how long I would live. Even though heavy emotionally, these factors felt that they were helping me mend psychologically.

Practical advice that I’ve learned the hard way:

• If you go out to exercise, bring a friend or family member – it just might save your life.
• If you have things you need to tell some-one – do it today, give them a call – you don’t know if you’ll get another chance.
• If you feel something is wrong, speak up and tell a doctor, get the symptoms checked out.

As we shall see in the next post, this story continues..